Turtleneck
by archard-winchester
Summary: Sam asks Dean a personal question. Hilarity ensues. Set after "Monster Movie".


**Disclaimer:** I used to own supernatural, the boys, the Impala and everything else on the show. But then, the men in white gave me my meds and I had to take them.

**Summary**: Sam and Dean take a good long look at themselves.

**A/N**: A scene that came into my mind after watching Monster Movie. Taking a chance by rating it T.

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If a driver had been cruising down the highway leading out of Canonsburg, Pennsylvania at that very morning, he'd have been overtaken speedily by a jet black Impala. In that split second, if he'd caught a glimpse of occupants of the car, he'd have gotten atleast an idea about their recent activities. Looking at the driver, with an unmistakable blissed out expression on his face, he'd have figured, correctly, that that guy had gotten lucky last night. Looking at the uncomfortable and conflicted look on the passenger, he'd have assumed, incorrectly, that he was the person the driver had gotten lucky with.

The reason Sam Winchester, for that was the passenger's name (no one calls him Sammy except his brother or they tend to turn up dead), was uncomfortable was because Dean, he being the driver, had made some personal admissions to him which had raised some uncomfortable questions in his mind. He was conflicted as to whether to ask for clarifications. Finally, deciding to follow the example of the feline whose demise was brought upon by its inquisitive nature, Sam spoke up.

"So Dean."

"Yeah?"

"You know, what you said earlier, about being smooth all over and all. Are you? I mean , completely restored, perfectly?"

"Yup. Except for this big-ass hand-print on my arm. I mean, scars are sexy but how do you explain a handprint?"

"Uhh… I don't know. But you are restored otherwise."

"Yeah."

"So that makes you sure that if you were a girl, your 'virginity' would have been restored."

"Yeah. I guess I must have been stinking up after four months of burial. And Cas wouldn't want me to look like a horror movie reject."

"But he might have left some changes that were wanted, right? Like if you had your tonsils removed or an appendectomy, he wouldn't have messed with that."

"I never had either. So I wouldn't know."

"What about any teeth you lost in the hunt? Did they grow back."

"I never lost any."

"Not even one? With all that getting beaten up and thrown around?"

"What can I say? I'm just that good."

"What about the vaccinations you had? Do you still have them or are we gonna have to get you all the shots again?"

"I dunno Sam. I guess we'll have to get them again. To be sure. Hey, where are all these questions coming from?"

"I just wanted to know if you had any proof that you would have been re-hymenated if you were a girl."

"I told you Sam, I do. My scars are gone. What more do you want?"

"Just some example of tissue re-growth. Some concrete proof."

"Would you just stop beating around the bush and get to the point already."

Sam's discomfort increased as the question hit a bit too close to home.

"What I'm trying to say… to ask.. and this is purely from a scientific interest, are you… actually… "re-hymenated"?"

"Sam. Do I have to explain the difference between dudes and chicks to you again? I'm a guy, hence I don't have a…:"

"I know that you jackass."

"Good. Because once in a lifetime was enough."

"What I meant was… you used to be… like… a… crewneck. And now, after coming back are you more … like… a turtleneck?"

Seeing the bemused expression on his brother's face Sam understood that he'd need more clarification.

"You know… hymen area-wise."

Sam was surprised at the range of facial expressions his brother could go through in a span of three seconds. First confusion. Then consideration of what was said. A short contemplative glance at his… hymen-area. Then understanding. Then horror, disbelief and anger all at once.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Any Opera-singer would've been proud to have that high note.

"What?"

"You don't ask a guy questions like that. Hell, you don't ask your 'brother' questions like that. That's crossing some serious boundaries."

"Hey I told you it was a personal question."

"No you didn't. And that's not a personal question. "How was your night with Jamie?", that's a personal question. "Is your dick fully flapped?" is a demented, sicko perverted question."

"Hey. I was just curious."

"You don't get curious about things like that. If you even get a thought in your head, you crush it, never to be thought of again. And how do you know about my status before anyway?"

"C'mon Dean, we've taken lots of baths together."

"What?" Only dogs could have heard that.

"When we're kids, you idiot. You should remember that."

"No, I don't. I block that stuff out. Right up there with my hell's memories. Which I'm gonna do with this conversation."

"Dude, calm down. Its not that big a deal."

"Yes, it is. You don't go around saying stuff like that. Its creepy. And weird. Not to say fucking perverted. Man, I feel violated. And not in a good way."

"You still haven't answered my question."

"And I'm not gonna. I'm not enabling your sickness Sam. This conversation is over. And its gonna stay that way."

Emphasizing his resolve by turning on the radio at a high volume, Dean resolutely turned away from Sam, who, after realizing that he'd gone through a lot of verbal abuse for nothing, was not in a charitable mood himself. Uncomfortable non-conversation ensued in the car, for atleast fifteen minutes that is.

"Alright, fine, you win. Its back. OK."

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Its regrown. Intact. I got the neck on my dick. Satisfied now?"

"I guess. Why'd you change your mind? About telling me?"

"Because I know you Sam. Once you get an idea in your head you don't let go. Like ever. And I don't want you trying to sneak peeks at my stuff. And I don't want you to think about my dick anymore."

"I wasn't gonna. I can drop a subject."

"No you can't. And seriously dude, your sickness is getting worse day by day. I mean, it was fine till you got off just on research. Then you start stalking girls. Watching them change. And all the porno you start on the moment I'm out of the room. Really man, you are kind of a closet pervert."

"I wasn't stalking Meg, I was doing recon. You are the one who goes to strip-clubs while doing a tail-job. You are the super-pervert of the family dude. I mean, I haven't got porno stash and platinum membership of busty Asian beauties"

Sam tried to ignore Dean's murmur of "gotta renew that". He really did. But his smirk brought Dean back onto warpath.

"You use the stash too Sam. I found the stuck pages dude. And I didn't get thrown out of because I had my hands in my pants."

"That was because of the itching powder. Which you put in my boxers. And I don't ogle at anything with boobs."

"Hey."

"Really man, its like you see cleavage and you are ready to go."

"Hey. Its not like that. I respect and cherish all the women I've been with. Each of those relationships is as important and unique to me as they are irreplaceable."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"What's Jamie's last name?"

Pause.

"Um… Uh… Harker?"

"For chrissakes, Dean."

"Hey we connected at a spiritual level much deeper than knowing each-other's last name."

"Or real name. Really, Dean. You must have screwed half the girls in America."

"But I'm still better than you, Sammy. I stick to humans. I don't go and hump demons."

A cold shiver went down Sam's spine.

"What do you mean?"

"Well maybe not actually screw. But man, you have made-out with a lot of demons. First there was that Meg chick. Who tied you up and had her way with you. Then there was Lillith. And God knows what you and Ruby have been up to since I was gone. I remember seeing her in underwear when I came back."

"Nothing happened between me and Ruby. And you have kissed demons too. Or are we not counting skanks on cross-roads?"

"I did that to save lives. Specifically yours the second time."

"I also remember you making out with a vampire. And that when I and dad were watching."

"That was forced onto me."

"As opposed my own consensual kisses with Meg and Lillith."

"That is still not as bad as bestiality."

"What?"

"You heard me. Werewolf. You slept with one. She was something a species apart. And then there was that Constance chick. You made out while you were still with Jessica. And that zombie chick. She was almost riding you before I staked her. If I had left you two alone, you'd have gotten right to business."

"Dude, that is so…."

"C'mon Sam. Denial will get you nowhere. I mean we're supposed to hunt there things Sammy, not date them. And you shacking up with them like that is just too…"

"Atleast, I didn't think about boning my mom."

Stunned, horrified expression on Dean's face.

"Wha…? How did you…? Who told… ? I never… I mean… Why'd you say that?"

Stunned, horrified expression on Sam's face.

"Dude." Snicker. "I was just taking a random shot." Chuckle. "Dean I never thought that you.. actually…" Sam could speak no more, for you cannot laugh hysterically and speak coherently at the same time.

"Sam, shut up. It wasn't like that. It was when I went to the past, alright. Dude, shut up. Mom was different back then, so un-mom-like. Dude stop laughing or I'll kill ya. And I didn't think about boning her or anything. Shut the hell up Sam. I just appreciated that she looked hot in complete non-sexual non-incestuous way. Sam, I'm telling you to shut…. Hey you are the one who's obsessed with my dick."

That shut Sam up. That shut both of them up. For several minutes. A strained contemplative, embarrassed shut-up.

"Oh my God."

"I know Sam."

"I mean.. Oh my God, Dean."

"I know Sam."

"Its serious Dean. We're sex-freaks."

"And I always thought that we were just garden variety freaks."

"Not a laughing matter Dean. Even if we stop the apocalypse and become God's warriors or something, we'd still be going to hell."

"And teach them a few things while we're down there."

"Dean, we gotta join sex-addicts anonymous or something."

"I don't even wanna know how you about those things."

"This could be a serious problem, man. We gotta deal with this."

"Or, we could repress all of this, say hail Mary's and ask Castiel for forgiveness the next time he pops up."

"Huh. Alright. I'm good with that."

"Cool. And meanwhile, we never talk about any of it again."

"Totally."

Half an hour later.

"Hey Dean."

"What?"

"When Castiel pops up next, can you ask him a question for me?"

"Depends. What question?"

"You know, whether he has got all the equipment down there or not?"

"Sam."

"No, it's a legit question. Angels are supposed to be sexless. Neither male nor female. So you see, its all in the interest of paranormal science."

"SAM."

"And if he's got it because of the guy he's possessing, you can ask him if he knows how to use everything or not. C'mon man, this is in interest of science. We have to get to know more……………"

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